The Stanley Parable Announcer Pack

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The Stanley Parable Announcer Pack
Cosmetic icon Announcer- The Stanley Parable.png
Bundle
Rarity: Mythical
Slot: Announcer Pack

This pack replaces the Default announcer and Mega-Kills announcer with the sardonically meta wit of the Narrator from The Stanley Parable.
Created By
Released
Origin
The Stanley Parable Announcer Pack
Announcer: The Stanley Parable
Mega-Kills: The Stanley Parable

Contents

Welcome

50% chance, only for All Pick, Least Played, Limited Heroes and Mid Only

1% chance, only for the same modes as above

3% chance, only for the same modes as above, during certain daytimes

Game mode

Ability Draft

All Pick

All Random

Captain's Draft

Captain's Mode

Deathmatch

Easy Mode

Least Played

Limited Heroes

Mid Only

Random Draft

Reverse Captain's Mode

Single Draft

Other Modes
One vs One and other possible future game modes

Drafting

Picking

10% chance

  • ▶️ Radiant's turn to royally screw it up.
  • ▶️ Dire's turn to make all the wrong choices.

5% chance

  • ▶️ Go ahead and pick, I'll just be here not judging you.
  • ▶️ Technically announcers aren't SUPPOSED to judge you for your selection of hero, but honestly I've never been much for rules.
  • ▶️ Now remember, there are almost no wrong choices here.
  • ▶️ The only wrong choice is all the ones that aren't the one I'm thinking of.
  • ▶️ One moment, I'm going to help them strategize a bit. followup

1% chance

  • ▶️ While they're picking, why don't I read you a passage from a story I've been working on: followup
  • ▶️ While they're picking, here's a random number for you to think about: followup

Banning

5% chance

  • ▶️ Ban them right where it hurts.
  • ▶️ Ban the ever-loving snot out of them.
  • ▶️ Now let's wait patiently while they try to screw you over.

Time left to pick

5% chance

  • ▶️ r You need MORE time? Yeesh…
  • ▶️ r You STILL haven't reached a conclusion? Clearly Dota is the right game for you.
  • ▶️ r Look I don't mean to rush you, but I DO wish you'd go a hell of a lot faster than you're going.
  • ▶️ r You need EXTRA time? You know what game you're playing, right? Dota?

Draft end

35% chance

5% chance

Beginning battle

Entering battle

25% chance

  • ▶️ Good, we're nearly at the part where everything dies over and over.
  • ▶️ Just so you know I'll be taking a shot every time you die, please try to keep me out of the hospital.
  • ▶️ You have about a minute to enjoy not dying. Savor it.
  • ▶️ The game's about to begin! Just try not to think of failure and all the ways you could lose and everything in yourself you feel weak and insecure about and you should be fine.
  • ▶️ Okay! Time for me to learn the rules of Dota! I'll just be skimming this as you play.
  • ▶️ GL, HF, L2P, VD, MP3, OBGYN, 3DPDB1D9G
  • ▶️ Quickly! Purchase items! Consume material goods to sustain capitalism!
  • ▶️ Now a quick reminder, the goal of this game is to win. You can…I mean do whatever you want with that information, just throwing it out there.
  • ▶️ What do you think will happen this time? Murdering one another, probably. Unless….yeah, no I'm gonna go with constant murder.
  • ▶️ Okay, time to forget the myriad external pressures and life stresses that have driven you to blot out the pain with video games, let's play some Dota!
  • ▶️ Perhaps THIS battle will resolve the eternal conflict between good and evil.
  • ▶️ DO-TA! DO-TA! DO-TA!

2% chance, for Radiant team

  • ▶️ Okay see that big tree thing there? Well I guess that's significant, you want it to live or die or something. Look, I really don't know how this game works.

2% chance, for Dire team

  • ▶️ Now if I'm reading this correctly, that big orange glowing thing is what you DON'T want to kill. Try doing that.

Time before battle
30 seconds

5% chance, players only

  • ▶️ Just kind of a heads up here, everything you know and love will die one day.
  • ▶️ Where do you think we go when we die?
  • ▶️ Maybe THIS match will teach me how to love…
  • ▶️ I'll never truly forget the pain.
  • ▶️ Your ancient is being attacked! Sorry, *cough*, just warming up. I imagine I'll be using that line a lot.

10 seconds

15% chance

  • ▶️ Last chance to quit the game and do something productive with your life.
  • ▶️ All I'm saying is, diplomatic negotiations aren't off the table yet.

Battle begins

  • ▶️ u The battle begins!
  • ▶️ Begin the murder-fest!
  • ▶️ Begin the DIGITAL SPORTS!
  • ▶️ And so it begins. followup
  • ▶️ Now murder each other for my amusement!!
  • ▶️ Let this meditative reflection on the fleeting and fragile nature of life begin!
  • ▶️ DEATH! DEATH! DEATH! DEATH! DEATH!
  • ▶️ It's time for fantasy-world avatars to pretend to murder one another!
  • ▶️ God I really hope this match ends up being of any cosmic significance.
  • ▶️ aaaaaaand RESOLVE YOUR DIFFERENCES!

1% chance

Kills

First Blood

Double Kill

Triple Kill

Ultra Kill

Rampage

Killing Spree

Dominating

Mega Kill

Unstoppable

10% chance, players only, enemy spree

  • ▶️ No really, you've got to stop this person.

Wicked Sick

Monster Kill

10% chance, players only, enemy spree

  • ▶️ You ARE still trying to stop the spree, yes?

Godlike

10% chance, players only, allied/own spree

Holy Shit

15 kills streak

  • ▶️ Tremendous! 15 kills! ….bet you can't get 20.

20 kills streak

  • ▶️ Oho, 20 kills? Really though, I don't impress easily below 30.

30 kills streak

  • ▶️ 30 kills already! Hey as long as we've come this far, why not take it to 50? See you in 20 more kills!

50 kills streak

  • ▶️ Surely you saw this coming: 100 kills! Get to 100! DO IT!!

60 kills streak

  • ▶️ Let's be honest, you've probably rigged the game to farm for dialogue from me. Are you proud of yourself for that?

70 kills streak

  • ▶️ No really, it's a thing to be ashamed of.

72 kills streak

  • ▶️ I'll let it continue, but I can't undo the shame you'll feel at having cheated.

85 kills streak

  • ▶️ It must be awful having to hear the same stock dialogue over and over.

90 kills streak

99 kills streak

  • ▶️ 1 more to a hundred! If you mess this up now you'll really hate yourself!

100 kills streak

  • ▶️ 100 kills!!! Congratulations, but remember that the real victory comes from within. Can't you feel it? Yes, you truly must be a happier person now.

102 kills streak

  • ▶️ No? Still no internal validation? Well, I did all I can do. Better luck next time!

200 kills streak

  • ▶️ It must be awful having to hear the same stock dialogue over and over.

Ownage
Your team

20% chance

  • ▶️ 120 Apparently you're owning? That's just what I'm being told.
  • ▶️ 120 It seems you are owning. What exactly you now own, I have no idea.
  • ▶️ 120 You are owning or pwning or something.
  • ▶️ 120 You are pwning. Is it…is it poaning? Pewning? Po- whatever.

Enemy team
5% chance

For spectators

20% chance

  • ▶️ 120 I am informed that ownage is under way.
  • ▶️ 120 We have thus entered into a state of ownage.
  • ▶️ 120 A condition for ownage has been met.
  • ▶️ 120 Observe: one of the teams is owning at Dota.
  • ▶️ 120 In concordance with the rules of Dota, ownage has been initiated.

Team Wipe
Your team
30% chance

  • ▶️ Team wipeout!
  • ▶️ Well, don't worry, there's always future games of dota.
  • ▶️ As per your strategy, your entire team is dead.
  • ▶️ Congratulations! Your entire team is dead!
  • ▶️ You did it! Your entire team is dead!
  • ▶️ I think we can all appreciate how impressive this other team is.
  • ▶️ Incredible! Look how efficiently you all died!
  • ▶️ Death to all of you as penance for your sins!

Enemy team
75% chance

  • ▶️ Team wipeout!
  • ▶️ They're all down! Now is your chance!
  • ▶️ Nothing left to murder!
  • ▶️ The enemy is no more.
  • ▶️ Congratulations, you're making this game really unfun for the other team.
  • ▶️ You know, it's possible that everyone on the other team is just new at Dota. Think of what an awful experience you're making this for them.
  • ▶️ See NOW if you don't win I'm just going to be disappointed.

For spectators
75% chance

75% chance, Radiant team

  • ▶️ The Radiant are entirely dead! All of them!
  • ▶️ Death befalls Radiant's entire team.

75% chance, Dire team

Team announcements

Your Radiant Dire Enemy
Courier
killed
  • ▶️ Radiant's courier has been murdered.
  • ▶️ r Ashamed of its past, and its horrific crimes, Radiant's courier has just thrown itself onto an enemy blade.
  • ▶️ r Radiant's courier has discovered the entrance to courier heaven, where it will be judged for its crimes.
  • ▶️ r A scourge upon the earth is no more. Radiant's courier has been killed.
  • ▶️ r Every time Radiant's courier dies, a second courier in another game of Dota gains the strength of a hundred couriers and wins the game.
  • ▶️ r Hopefully we've learned from Radiant's courier how not to welcome the dark tide of evil into your heart
  • ▶️ r A courier from Radiant's army dies, and a piece of evil incarnate is lifted from the world
  • ▶️ r We may forget Radiant's courier, but we'll never forgive it. Never.
  • ▶️ r Radiant's courier died as it lived: filled inwardly with shame.
  • ▶️ r Radiant's courier is dead, and before it ever learned to actually care for another living being.
  • ▶️ r Thank god…Radiant's courier is gone…at last, peace may return to these lands.
  • ▶️ r Another of Radiant's couriers dies with its essence marred in blackness.
  • ▶️ r Until near its death, none of us suspected the repulsive hatred that lay buried in the heart of Radiant's courier.
  • ▶️ Dire's courier has been murdered.
  • ▶️ r In death, Dire's courier has really taught us more about life I think. I…yes, maybe that's true.
  • ▶️ r Dire's courier, and its string of unforgivable moral crimes, has been laid to rest.
  • ▶️ r At last, the beast is laid to rest. Dire's courier is dead. At last.
  • ▶️ r Let us fondly remember Dire's courier, its noble deeds, and the unmistakable blackness deep in its heart.
  • ▶️ r I guess Dire's courier will never answer for its awful crimes now that it's dead.
  • ▶️ r Dire's courier is dead, but its crimes and transgressions linger on in memories
  • ▶️ r We've lost Dire's courier, but we'll never forget the many people whose lives it brought to ruin.
  • ▶️ r Was Dire's courier murdered, or did it take its own life in shame? We may never know.
  • ▶️ r Let no more couriers die with the stench of evil on their souls, as Dire's has. Please, let this one be the last.
  • ▶️ r The rein of terror is over. Dire's courier is dead.
  • ▶️ r Let us not forget the mistakes Dire's courier made in allowing evil into its heart, let its death be a lesson to us all.
  • ▶️ r The many innocent lives Dire's courier has taken may be atoned for now that it's dead.
Roshan
killed
  • ▶️ Roshan has fallen to the Radiant!
  • ▶️ Roshan and the Radiant have resolved their differences in a peaceful, diplomatic manner.
  • ▶️ Roshan and the Radiant have a lot to teach one another, about life, death, love, fear, and getting to come back immediately after you're murdered.
  • ▶️ Roshan and the Radiant are both about to find out what happens after you die.
  • ▶️ Goodbye Roshan, you majestic, fearless stallion you.
  • ▶️ A Haiku: Roshan's blood is spilled, The Radiant shed no tears, Farewell, sweet angel
  • ▶️ Roshan has fallen to the Dire!
  • ▶️ It seems that Roshan went and pissed off the Dire.
  • ▶️ The Dire have murdered Roshan purely for sport, it's not even about the Aegis.
  • ▶️ The Dire have rejected Roshan's petition to continue living peacefully.
  • ▶️ Roshan and the Dire are talking out their differences, really seeing the cracks and insecurities in their own perspectives.
  • ▶️ The Dire have laid Roshan to eternal slumber. For 8 to 11 minutes.
Structure
under attack

Top tower

25% chance

  • ▶️ 60 If enemies attacking your top tower is what you desire, please take no action.
  • ▶️ 60 Well my goodness, your top tower is being attacked!
  • ▶️ 60 If I'd like to not lose my top tower is a thought you've ever had, I suggest you get over there right away
  • ▶️ 60 No one go defend top tower. It needs to learn to defend itself.

Middle tower

25% chance

  • ▶️ 60 Enemies are ravaging your middle tower and it is a BEAUTIFUL day!
  • ▶️ 60 Oh how wonderful! Your middle tower is being torn to pieces!
  • ▶️ 60 One's middle tower being attacked truly does send such a rapturous flowing through one's veins.
  • ▶️ 60 Congratulations! Your middle tower is being attacked!

Bottom tower

25% chance

  • ▶️ 60 Suppose we defend that bottom tower, hm? Yes? Yes?
  • ▶️ 60 You DO know your bottom tower is being attacked, right?
  • ▶️ 60 Your bottom tower is learning to accept its own inevitable death.
  • ▶️ 60 I'm not your bottom tower, but if I were I'd be in a lot of pain right now.

Top barracks

  • ▶️ 10 Your top barracks are under attack.
  • ▶️ 10 Your top barracks are being fired upon.

20% chance

  • ▶️ 10 If your top barracks are of value to you I suggest you get over there.

Middle barracks

  • ▶️ 10 Your middle barracks are under attack.
  • ▶️ 10 Your middle barracks are taking enemy fire!

1% chance

  • ▶️ 10 YOUR MIDDLE BARRACKS ARE BEING ATTACKED! OH NOOOO!

Bottom barracks

  • ▶️ 10 Your bottom barracks are under attack.
  • ▶️ 10 Enemy fire upon your bottom barracks!

20% chance

  • ▶️ 10 Look at your bottom barracks! Look how under attack they are!

The Ancient

30% chance

  • ▶️ r Food for thought: DON'T let them attack your ancient? I'm just spitballing here, I've literally never played this game.
  • ▶️ r So if you DON'T want to lose I'd advise you to defend your ancient.
  • ▶️ r The enemy is negotiating with your ancient.
  • ▶️ r This is the story of your ancient being torn to pieces right this very moment.
  • ▶️ r Your ancient is being attacked, but no worries! Take your time!
  • ▶️ r I don't say this to alarm you, but you're about to lose the game
  • ▶️ r Did I ever tell you about the time your ancient was under attack? Probably not because it's happening literally as I say this.
  • ▶️ r This is me lying to you: Your ancient is not under attack.
  • ▶️ r No no, you - okay look, letting your ancient be attacked by the enemy is NOT what you're supposed to do. Have you ever played this game?
  • ▶️ r I like your re-interpretation of the rules of Dota, DON'T stop them from attacking your ancient! It's fresh, inspired, breathes new life into the game.
  • ▶️ r Quickly, while they're all destroying your ancient, run over to their base and destroy THEIR ancient!

1% chance, team Radiant

  • ▶️ r Your ancient is under attack. You might say it's in a…DIRE situation!

Top tower

Middle tower

  • ▶️ 10 Radiant's middle tower is being attacked.
  • ▶️ 10 Radiant's middle tower taking damage.

Bottom tower

  • ▶️ 10 Radiant's bottom tower is being attacked.
  • ▶️ 10 Radiant's bottom tower under fire.

Top barracks

  • ▶️ 10 Radiant's top barracks are under attack.

Middle barracks

  • ▶️ 10 Radiant's middle barracks are under attack.

Bottom barracks

  • ▶️ 10 Radiant's bottom barracks are under attack.

The Ancient

20% chance

  • ▶️ r Dire is objecting to the existence of Radiant's ancient.
  • ▶️ r Oh look, down there at the bottom left, Dire is beating Radiant's ancient to a pulp! How exciting!
  • ▶️ r Dire may now present their case for the destruction of Radiant's ancient.
  • ▶️ r Dire is searching deep within themselves to find the strength to obliterate Radiant's Ancient.

Top tower

Middle tower

  • ▶️ 10 Dire's middle tower is being attacked.
  • ▶️ 10 Dire's middle tower taking damage.

Bottom tower

Top barracks

  • ▶️ 10 Dire's top barracks are under attack.

Middle barracks

  • ▶️ 10 Dire's middle barracks are under attack.

Bottom barracks

  • ▶️ 10 Dire's bottom barracks are under attack.

The Ancient

20% chance

  • ▶️ r Radiant is expressing its disapproval at the continued existence of Dire's ancient.
  • ▶️ r Astounding! In a bold move, Dire is allowing Radiant to destroy their ancient. Let's see if it pays off for them.
  • ▶️ r Dire has forgotten how to play Dota and is letting their ancient be destroyed.
  • ▶️ r Radiant is working through its issues with Dire's ancient.
Structure
fallen

Top tower

35% chance

  • ▶️ r What a pity, you've lost your top tower.
  • ▶️ r I hope having a top tower was not a part of your strategy.
  • ▶️ r See how your top tower is still on the map? Me neither.
  • ▶️ r Delightful! Your top tower - oh no wait, your top tower has fallen. My mistake.

Middle tower

35% chance

  • ▶️ r Your middle tower is - oh dear - it's just been completely destroyed.
  • ▶️ r Oh dear, that's one less middle tower for you.
  • ▶️ r That middle tower your used to have, wasn't it lovely back when you still had it?
  • ▶️ r Your middle tower being destroyed is part of your strategy, right? Yes that's how I'm going to interpret it.

Bottom tower

35% chance

  • ▶️ r The burden of having a bottom tower has been lifted! Freedom at last!
  • ▶️ r If you have any last words for your bottom tower, well it's already too late.
  • ▶️ r Your bottom tower is under at-- no wait, it's dead.
  • ▶️ r aaaaaand your bottom tower is gone! Completely gone! Finit!

1% chance

  • ▶️ r Your bottom tower has tripped and fallen, spiraling, tumbling endlessly into the whirring and infinite abyss.

Top barracks

35% chance

  • ▶️ r I hope your top barracks was a nuisance to you, because if so I've got great news!
  • ▶️ r Where did your top barracks go? It was here just a moment ago…

Middle barracks

35% chance

  • ▶️ r Your middle barracks! Just look at how not-there-anymore it is!
  • ▶️ r The middle barracks is the left kidney of Dota, no one really needs it.

Bottom barracks

35% chance

  • ▶️ r Your bottom barracks have a bad case of being torn completely to shreds.
  • ▶️ r Without your bottom barracks the map really is much cleaner!

Top tower

Middle tower

Bottom tower

Top barracks

Middle barracks

Bottom barracks

Top tower

Middle tower

Bottom tower

Top barracks

Middle barracks

Bottom barracks

Top tower

40% chance

  • ▶️ r The enemy's top tower just screamed and exploded for no discernible reason.
  • ▶️ r Enemy's top tower destroyed THAT will teach them to defend themselves from an enemy force attempting to obliterate their homes.
  • ▶️ r We've just replaced the enemy's top tower with a demolished version of it, let's see if they notice.

Middle tower

40% chance

  • ▶️ r How exciting, their middle tower is destroyed!
  • ▶️ r You've destroyed their middle tower! You win the game!!
  • ▶️ r You've destroyed their middle tower, I wonder if they'll mind.

Bottom tower

40% chance

  • ▶️ r Well that's one tower they won't be taking home.
  • ▶️ r You've done it! You've destroyed their bottom tower!
  • ▶️ r You've accidentally destroyed the enemy's bottom tower.

Top barracks

35% chance

  • ▶️ r No more top barracks for them!
  • ▶️ r Enemy's top barracks destroyed, you're really winning a video game here!

Middle barracks

  • ▶️ 10 The enemy's middle barracks has fallen.
  • ▶️ 10 Enemy's middle barracks in ruins.

35% chance

  • ▶️ r Unfortunately the enemy's mid barracks has fallen.

1% chance

  • ▶️ r Someone is winning or losing or whatever. Look, I'm not really paying attention here.

Bottom barracks

  • ▶️ 10 The enemy's bottom barracks has fallen.
  • ▶️ 10 Enemy's bottom barracks demolished.

35% chance

  • ▶️ r Goodbye, bottom enemy barracks!!
  • ▶️ r Remember enemy's bottom barracks? Remember destroying it just now? What wonderful memories….
Structure
denied

Top tower

  • ▶️ Your top tower has been denied.
  • ▶️ You've mistaken your own top tower for an enemy tower.
  • ▶️ Look at you, stealing that tower kill, you sneaky thing!

Middle tower

  • ▶️ Your middle tower has been denied.
  • ▶️ Take that, middle tower! That's what you get for trusting us!
  • ▶️ I'm inspired by your lack of empathy for your own towers, inspired to destroy the loved ones in my OWN life.

Bottom tower

  • ▶️ Your bottom tower has been denied.
  • ▶️ You've just murdered your own tower, you cold unfeeling brute.
  • ▶️ Well now I see how much YOUR OWN TOWERS mean to you.

Top tower

Middle tower

Bottom tower

Top tower

Middle tower

Bottom tower

Top tower

Middle tower

  • ▶️ The enemy has denied you their middle tower. followup
  • ▶️ The enemy has gone about senselessly destroying their own middle tower.
  • ▶️ Bad news if you wanted to be the one to destroy their middle tower…

Bottom tower

  • ▶️ The enemy has denied you their bottom tower. followup
  • ▶️ Well it looks like there'll be no bottom tower kill for you!
  • ▶️ No need to kill their bottom tower, they've done it for you.
Structures
fortified

10% chance, player on either team

  • ▶️ r Your towers are nice and fortified!
  • ▶️ r Nicely fortified towers you've got there!

10% chance, player on Radiant team

10% chance, player on Dire team

25% chance

  • ▶️ r Radiant's towers are fortified, do as you please with that information.
  • ▶️ r Radiant having unfortified structures is now a thing of the past.
  • ▶️ r Radiant sure are loving those invulnerable towers.

25% chance

  • ▶️ r Dire have duct taped cardboard all over their structures.
  • ▶️ r Look at how invulnerable Dire's towers are!
  • ▶️ r Maybe no one attack Dire's towers for a few seconds here.

10% chance, player on either team

  • ▶️ r Enemy towers are now invulnerable!
  • ▶️ r Enemy towers are invulnerable for the next few seconds.

10% chance, player on Radiant team

10% chance, player on Dire team

Megacreeps

20% chance

  • ▶️ The satanic pact is complete. You now have mega-creeps.
  • ▶️ The mega-creeps accept your blood sacrifice and now fight at your side.
  • ▶️ The mega-creeps relate to your deeply sinful nature and will fight at your side.
  • ▶️ The mega-creeps approve of your dark sins and have decided to fight for you.
  • ▶️ The mega-creeps see a bit of themselves in you. They have become allies.
  • ▶️ The Radiant now have megacreeps.
  • ▶️ The Radiant have earned megacreeps.
  • ▶️ Just to mix things up a bit, let's give mega-creeps to Radiant.
  • ▶️ The Dire now have megacreeps.
  • ▶️ The Dire have earned megacreeps.
  • ▶️ The Dire have sacrificed one hundred virgins and have thus earned mega-creeps.

20% chance

  • ▶️ To help you out, I'll be giving the enemy megacreeps! ….wait, is that right? Did I - just a second, I need to look over this strategy guide again.
  • ▶️ You MAY begin to notice a slight increase in the rate at which you are being attacked by megacreeps.
  • ▶️ I've gotten you what you've always wanted! More enemy mega-creeps!
  • ▶️ If you've ever felt that you weren't fighting enough megacreeps, well I've got some good news for you!
Victory
  • ▶️ YES! You've achieved a sense of self-worth as a person! Never again will you seek validation from others! What a joyous, joyous day!
  • ▶️ You did it! Now take these skills that you've learned and honed, and go apply them in the real world!
  • ▶️ YOU WON!!! YEEEEEEEESS!!!! WOOO HOOO!!!!

Radiant team

50% chance, Radiant team

  • ▶️ Praise the Radiant and their knowledge of meta-systems to manipulate the flow of battle! followup
  • ▶️ The Radiant beat the Dire at Dota, but does that make them the REAL winners? Think about it. followup

Dire team

50% chance, Dire team

50% chance

  • ▶️ Praise the Radiant and their knowledge of meta-systems to manipulate the flow of battle!
  • ▶️ u Okay let me say that I have no earthly idea what's been going on here. I…I think Radiant won? Seriously, correct me if I'm misreading this.
  • ▶️ The Radiant beat the Dire at Dota, but does that make them the REAL winners? Think about it.

50% chance

  • ▶️ The Dire understand Dota better than the Radiant do!
  • ▶️ The Dire win! Truly, truly today we have video games'd.
  • ▶️ Today Dire were more video games than Radiant.
  • ▶️ An incredible strategy! With no Ancient for them to defeat, they can no longer win! Victory is assured!
  • ▶️ We've nearly got them, push! They're down to their last legs! Everyone push!
  • ▶️ Well, you lost. You should know that I'm not angry, I'm just disappointed at how furious I am at you for losing.

Radiant team

50% chance, Radiant team

Dire team

50% chance, Dire team

  • ▶️ Praise the Radiant and their knowledge of meta-systems to manipulate the flow of battle! followup
  • ▶️ The Radiant beat the Dire at Dota, but does that make them the REAL winners? Think about it. followup

Respawning

5% chance

  • ▶️ r Do it again! Exactly like you did the last time!
  • ▶️ r Respawned again. Does it ever bother you that you'll never know the sweet release of lasting death? Bothers ME all the time.
  • ▶️ r Oh look! It's alternate you who stopped playing Dota and went outside! Just look how fit and attractive you are!
  • ▶️ r SEND IN THE NEXT CLONE.
  • ▶️ r Okay this time just do everything exactly the opposite of what you did before.
  • ▶️ r Can anyone TRULY die? In real life, I mean. I - wait, okay, yes, I've answered my own question.
  • ▶️ r What is it all for? Dying, resurrecting, dying again, resurrecting again…….why??? followup
  • ▶️ r WELCOME BACK TO DOTAAAAA!
  • ▶️ r Okay this time, let me offer a new piece of strategy: followup

Lane missing

  • ▶️ u I think.
  • ▶️ u If they gank, don't say I didn't warn you.
  • ▶️ u I don't know what that means, I'm just reading it off a script here.

Periods with no action

15% chance, mid game and onward

  • ▶️ r Incredible, you've managed to make the most intricate video game on the planet boring. Where do you keep getting it?
  • ▶️ r Can we PLEASE bring a little excitement back to the game? How about one of you kill your own courier, yes that would really spice things up!
  • ▶️ r Do you know how many hundreds of thousands of millions of hours Valve put into developing this game? Any clue? I ask because right now you're making it look like Snakes and Ladders.
  • ▶️ r I think what we need right now is a bit of music to bring back the mood.
  • ▶️ r Ladies and gentlemen, DIGITAL SPORTS!
  • ▶️ r Look at the radical twists and turns this game is taking, you can just FEEL the video games, can't you? I know I can.
  • ▶️ r When nothing of any interest had happened for a good long time, Stanley decided perhaps this match was going nowhere, and he went to spectate something else.
  • ▶️ r The next time someone claims video games are not art, I'm going to show them a replay of this match.
  • ▶️ r Why don't we spice this match up with a fact about shrimp: followup

Disconnecting/reconnecting

Disconnecting
25% chance

  • ▶️ u A player has disconnected.
  • ▶️ One of us has become too intimidated by the sheer power of electronic sports to continue playing
  • ▶️ One of you has figured out that there are actually things in this world other than Dota.
  • ▶️ Fine. Leave. See if I care.
  • ▶️ Someone left? But they're going to miss the DIGITAL SPORTS.

Reconnecting
50% chance

Quitting game
75% chance

  • ▶️ I'd give up too if I were asked to make so many decisions.
  • ▶️ Ah, you're giving up Dota! A wise decision! Go, and live a healthy normal life!
  • ▶️ Congratulations on your decision to do things other than Dota, I think you'll find it a wise long-term investment.
  • ▶️ They say that the real victory is NOT playing Dota, which makes you a winner!
  • ▶️ If you come back, tell me what it's like on the outside.
  • ▶️ Freedom…
  • ▶️ Push escape and press quit, there's no other way to beat this game! [?]

Unpausing

75% chance

  • ▶️ Okay back to killing each other!
  • ▶️ Okay back to video games!
  • ▶️ Once again: video games!
  • ▶️ Once again: DIGITAL SPORTS!
  • ▶️ Okay we're unpaused! GO! GO! GO! KILL! KILL! KILL! KILL! KILL! KILL! KILL! KILL!
  • ▶️ Where were we? Radiant was pushing, or was it…? Okay never mind, everyone just go bottom!
  • ▶️ When last we left our heroes…
  • ▶️ Back to the indecipherable gibberish!

Purchasing specific items

15% chance

  • ▶️ Desolator (3500) r Ah the Desolator… The poor man's Divine Rapier…
  • ▶️ Hood of Defiance (1700) r Ah the Hood of Defiance… The poor man's Divine Rapier…
  • ▶️ Urn of Shadows (875) r Ah the Urn of Shadows… The poor man's Divine Rapier…
  • ▶️ Divine Rapier (6000) r Well done! Well done!

10% chance

  • ▶️ Sentry Ward (100) r Congratulations on your new sentry ward! Best of luck on a lifetime of never receiving any substantial recognition for your work!
  • ▶️ Sentry Ward (100) r Look at you, sucking it up and buying the sentry ward. Surely your team will recognize you for your sacrifices.
  • ▶️ Sentry Ward (100) r Buying a sentry ward makes you the least powerful hero in the game, but it makes you the most powerful in my heart.
  • ▶️ Ring of Aquila (965) r Ah the Ring of Aquila… The poor man's Divine Rapier…
  • ▶️ Slippers of Agility (135) r Ah the Slipper of Agility… The poor man's Divine Rapier…
  • ▶️ Smoke of Deceit (80) r People actually buy smokes? Really???

5% chance

  • ▶️ Animal Courier (50) r Maybe…maybe this time things will be different…
  • ▶️ Animal Courier (50) r Go, donkey child. Let not the tides of evil into your heart.
  • ▶️ Animal Courier (50) r This courier's soul…so immaculate, so pure…
  • ▶️ Tango (90) r Ah the Tango… The poor man's Divine Rapier…
  • ▶️ Clarity (50) r Interestingly, THIS clarity will actually deplete your mana.

3% chance

  • ▶️ r Consume! Consume! Consume!
  • ▶️ r Quickly! Overanalyze whether or not it was the correct purchase! Choke on your own bitter regret!
  • ▶️ r People still buy this item? Why don't you pay attention to the meta-game??
  • ▶️ r No matter who wins this match, the capitalist pigs are the real winners.
  • ▶️ r Isn't it nice knowing that material consumption brings lasting happiness?

Followups

Welcome
All Pick

Least Played

Limited Heroes

Mid Only

Helping them strategize
20% chance

  • ▶️ [muffled, distant speech, as though explaining an elaborate strategy]

Passage from the story

  • ▶️ Twas burning flesh and the twinkling of dashed hopes round her neck, a gift for the heavens, taken untimely from the feet of its mortal bearers. They were not to know her true blessings, blind to their own skin. If there was ever a moment when the truth was made known, it was not one recognized by eyes, but by a more intangible spirit whose true name conflicted with that of the vessel that carried it.
  • ▶️ Bread, she screamed, bread everywhere!! Bread upon bread, within bread, a new civilization built upon a foundation of bread, lovers, masters, givers, workers, the failings and crimes and hubris of humanity. When will it be enough, the populace demanded! But still she decreed: More bread!
  • ▶️ Little dogs and little frogs make tiny homes in little logs / Tens of tens of miles away, evil forces gather sway / Battleground of mortal toil, twixt this hell and earthly soil / Flaming teeth and flaming swords, when little dogs fought demon hordes.
  • ▶️ Eat faster. Eat harder. Eat higher. Eat louder. Every day for day upon day upon day they ate faster harder higher louder. None would best them, none would out-eat them, no fantasies of grandeur clouded their resolve. They would be eating champions, gods amongst mortals, unbested in competition, a new sun rises upon their immaculate consumption empire. They took third.

Random number to think about

Beautiful day in Dota-land
20% chance

Battle begins

  • ▶️ The match has begun! Go forth, and prove that video games are art!
  • ▶️ Remember that we at Dota HQ recommend regular breaks to stretch and move around a bit every 10 minutes or so during play.
  • ▶️ Let's play, everyone. Let's all play.
  • ▶️ Okay, so let me impart a bit of wisdom: Don't die. Just do that, keep doing that, over and over and over until the match is finished.
  • ▶️ And so they rushed eagerly to battle. But all was not what it seemed….
  • ▶️ And yet even as the match began, the end was so much closer than anyone knew…
  • ▶️ Why are we here? What is any of this for? These are the questions no one was asking.

5% chance, players only

  • ▶️ I respect you all regardless of the outcome. But I can't love you. Not after last time…

5% chance, spectators only

  • ▶️ What none of the players know is that winning will not confer any true meaning or deeper sense of validation upon them as individuals. Let's observe.

Tower gets denied

50% chance, spectators only

What is it all for?
5% chance

  • ▶️ r Oh wait, yes, I'm sorry, you're trying to kill their ancient. Okay, got it, as you were!

Useful respawn advices

  • ▶️ More couriers. Buy more couriers.
  • ▶️ Top lane, only go top lane.
  • ▶️ Jungle. Just jungle, nothing else, only jungle.
  • ▶️ Buy wards. Buy lots of them, fill your inventory.
  • ▶️ Kill your courier. Buy another one. Kill that one too.
  • ▶️ Sell all your equipment. Hardcore mode.
  • ▶️ Feed. Just, constant feeding.
  • ▶️ Win.
  • ▶️ Go outside.
  • ▶️ Stop everything, just take a minute here to reflect. Yes, a good bit of soul searching is what this team needs.
  • ▶️ Kill Roshan by yourself. DO IT! DO IT DO IT DO IT DO IT!
  • ▶️ Attack your own ancient. Enemies perceive that your team has fallen apart and they become complacent. Allies swoop in while they're vulnerable. VICTORY!!
  • ▶️ Stop using mana, you died the last time you tried using mana.
  • ▶️ Go on a friend's account and purchase the Stanley Parable Dota pack a second time.

Shrimp facts

  • ▶️ Did you know the female shrimp can lay up to a hundred million eggs at once? Wow, that's….that number seems a bit high, actually.
  • ▶️ Did you know that average shrimp lifespan is between 12 and 16 minutes? Wow, I sure know a lot more about shrimp than I did before this match!
  • ▶️ Did you know that shrimp subclass Branchiopoda, order Anostraca are on average 3 inches smaller than the more common branchiopods Notostraca, Diplostraca and Mysidacea? …..okay!
  • ▶️ Did you know that the first shrimp was discovered in 1967 by a group of Finnish sailors? I didn't either, facts can really be surprising!
  • ▶️ Did you know that shrimp are healthy source of protein and selenium? I did, and I use this information on a regular basis!

Victory
You win
30% chance

  • ▶️ Wait, you WON?? I really should have written some victory conditions, let me see….ah! Here's one! *ahem* Good.
  • ▶️ Aha! I knew that you could win! Like, it was physically possible as an outcome of the match. TOTALLY didn't think it would happen though.
  • ▶️ You feel that? What you're feeling right now? True happiness! I know, I can't believe it comes from winning Dota either, but there you have it!
  • ▶️ Ah, you've won! As per our prior agreement, I absolve you of all your sins against humanity and decency. Come back if you need another!
  • ▶️ You've won Dota 2! Please join us for Dota 3: The Threequel: Sequel to Dota 2: The Return of Dota!
  • ▶️ You did it! But I think the real winner today is DIGITAL SPORTS!
  • ▶️ Either the Dire or the Radiant win! It was either a compelling match or a boring match, or somewhere in the middle! DIGITAL SPORTS!!
  • ▶️ And there you have it ladies and gentlemen, DIGITAL SPORTS!!
  • ▶️ And there you have it! Well I'd say we all learned absolutely nothing about ourselves as people today. But we learned even less about each other. And in the end, that's the only true meaning of Christmas.
  • ▶️ And that was Dota! Why don't we round things out today with a nice long beep. BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP
  • ▶️ Well, it seems we've come to the end. But as they say in Dota, the end is never the end is never the end is - STATIC

30% chance, Radiant team

  • ▶️ Well you just spent a bunch of time watching tree people kill a glowing rock. I hope this experience enriches and enlightens the rest of your day.

30% chance, Dire team

  • ▶️ Well you just watched a bunch of monsters knock down a tree. I hope this information is of any compelling significance to you AFTER you get up from the computer.

Spectators
50% chance

  • ▶️ Either the Dire or the Radiant win! It was either a compelling match or a boring match, or somewhere in the middle! DIGITAL SPORTS!!
  • ▶️ And there you have it ladies and gentlemen, DIGITAL SPORTS!!
  • ▶️ And there you have it! Well I'd say we all learned absolutely nothing about ourselves as people today. But we learned even less about each other. And in the end, that's the only true meaning of Christmas.
  • ▶️ And that was Dota! Why don't we round things out today with a nice long beep. BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP
  • ▶️ Well, it seems we've come to the end. But as they say in Dota, the end is never the end is never the end is - STATIC

50% chance, Radiant wins

  • ▶️ Well you just spent a bunch of time watching tree people kill a glowing rock. I hope this experience enriches and enlightens the rest of your day.

50% chance, Dire wins

  • ▶️ Well you just watched a bunch of monsters knock down a tree. I hope this information is of any compelling significance to you AFTER you get up from the computer.

You lose
25% chance

  • ▶️ I don't blame you for losing, I blame all the choices you made and the things you did.
  • ▶️ Remember how I said you were a winner in my heart no matter what the outcome of battle? Exactly, I didn't.
  • ▶️ Now now, there are other things in life than Dota. Like a personality! Yes, you could go and develop a personality! That'll show 'em!
  • ▶️ Wow, what a truly compelling match! Let's listen back on a few of the more memorable moments. Your ancient is under attack. Your ancient is under attack. Your ancient is under attack. Your ancient is under attack.
  • ▶️ Either the Dire or the Radiant win! It was either a compelling match or a boring match, or somewhere in the middle! DIGITAL SPORTS!!
  • ▶️ And there you have it ladies and gentlemen, DIGITAL SPORTS!!
  • ▶️ And there you have it! Well I'd say we all learned absolutely nothing about ourselves as people today. But we learned even less about each other. And in the end, that's the only true meaning of Christmas.
  • ▶️ And that was Dota! Why don't we round things out today with a nice long beep. BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP
  • ▶️ Well, it seems we've come to the end. But as they say in Dota, the end is never the end is never the end is - STATIC

25% chance, Radiant team

  • ▶️ Well you just watched a bunch of monsters knock down a tree. I hope this information is of any compelling significance to you AFTER you get up from the computer.

25% chance, Dire team

  • ▶️ Well, congratulations on not being able to knock down their tree. Literally, their ancient is a tree and yours is the protrusion of unholy evil and you STILL - okay forget it, whatever. Dota.
  • ▶️ Well you just spent a bunch of time watching tree people kill a glowing rock. I hope this experience enriches and enlightens the rest of your day.