The Stanley Parable Announcer Pack

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The Stanley Parable Announcer Pack
Cosmetic icon Announcer- The Stanley Parable.png
Bundle
Rarity:
Slot: Pack

This pack replaces the Default announcer and Mega-Kills announcer with the sardonically meta wit of the Narrator from The Stanley Parable.
Created By Valve logo.png
Released May 14, 2014 Patch
Origin Purchase
Tradeable.png
Marketable.png

Contents

Welcome

50% chance, only for All Pick, Least Played, Limited Heroes and Mid Only

  • Play u Welcome to Dota!
  • Play Oh good, you're back! It's been too long since I bathed in human misery. followup
  • Play Good to see you weren't discouraged by your performance last time, I know I was. followup
  • Play Hello, you are now playing DIGITAL SPORTS! followup
  • Play Welcome! Once again! To DIGITAL SPORTS! followup
  • Play Stanley began a game of Dota. It would be a long time before Stanley stopped playing Dota. followup
  • Play Welcome to Dota 2, hope you're ready to get meta. followup
  • Play Aha, I knew you would be back. It was never really a choice. followup
  • Play Oh I'm so glad you're back, there's been a failure-shaped hole in my heart ever since you left. followup
  • Play Oh you're NOT dead? I didn't know there were other reasons people stopped playing Dota. followup
  • Play Oh you're back! Everyone's been saying they missed you! B-…wait, they were here just a moment ago…where did everyone go? followup
  • Play Wait wait wait! Don't start without me! Okay, yes yes, I'm here! We can start now! followup
  • Play Welcome to Dota 2, the prequel to Dota 3: Return to Dota. followup
  • Play Welcome! To the sequel to a video game! followup
  • Play WELCOME TO DOTAAAA! followup
  • Play Behold, as always, the majesty of DIGITAL SPORTS! followup

1% chance, only for the same modes as above

  • Play Welcome, to the dense and impenetrable web of systemic bullshit we collectively refer to as Dota. followup
  • Play Welcome to Counterstrike! BOOM HEADSHOT! followup

3% chance, only for the same modes as above, during certain daytimes

Game mode

Ability Draft

  • Play u Today we'll be playing ability draft.
  • Play r Ability draft.

All Pick

  • Play r Today we'll be playing all pick.
  • Play r All pick.

All Random

  • Play r Today we'll be playing all random.
  • Play r All random.

Captain's Draft

  • Play r Today we'll be playing captains draft.
  • Play r Captain's draft.

Captain's Mode

  • Play u Today we'll be playing captains mode.
  • Play r Captains mode.

Deathmatch

  • Play r Today we'll be playing deathmatch.
  • Play r Deathmatch.

Easy Mode

  • Play u Today we'll be playing easy mode.
  • Play u Easy mode.

Least Played

  • Play r Least played.
  • Play r Least played.
  • Play r Choose wisely.

Limited Heroes

  • Play r Limited heroes.

Mid Only

  • Play r Today we'll be playing mid only.
  • Play r Mid only.

Random Draft

  • Play u Today we'll be playing random draft.
  • Play r Random draft.

Reverse Captain's Mode

  • Play u Today we'll be playing reverse captains.
  • Play r Reverse captain's mode.

Single Draft

  • Play u Today we'll be playing single draft.
  • Play r Single draft.

Other Modes
One vs One and other possible future game modes

  • Play r Choose wisely.

Drafting

Picking

  • Play Your turn to pick.
  • Play Your pick.
  • Play Select a hero, please.
  • Play u Enemy's turn to pick.
  • Play Their turn to choose, patience please.
  • Play Their pick.
  • Play Radiant team pick.
  • Play Radiant team are now picking.
  • Play Dire team pick.
  • Play Dire team are now picking.

10% chance

  • Play Radiant's turn to royally screw it up.
  • Play Dire's turn to make all the wrong choices.

5% chance

  • Play Go ahead and pick, I'll just be here not judging you.
  • Play Technically announcers aren't SUPPOSED to judge you for your selection of hero, but honestly I've never been much for rules.
  • Play Now remember, there are almost no wrong choices here.
  • Play The only wrong choice is all the ones that aren't the one I'm thinking of.
  • Play One moment, I'm going to help them strategize a bit. followup

1% chance

  • Play While they're picking, why don't I read you a passage from a story I've been working on: followup
  • Play While they're picking, here's a random number for you to think about: followup

Banning

  • Play Your turn to ban.
  • Play Your ban, make it count.
  • Play Enemy's turn to ban.
  • Play Their ban.
  • Play Radiant's ban.
  • Play Dire's ban.

5% chance

  • Play Ban them right where it hurts.
  • Play Ban the ever-loving snot out of them.
  • Play Now let's wait patiently while they try to screw you over.

Time left to pick

  • Play u Ten seconds remaining.
  • Play Only ten seconds.
  • Play Ten seconds to pick.
  • Play Five seconds, hurry hurry!
  • Play Five seconds remain!
  • Play Reserve time.

5% chance

  • Play r You need MORE time? Yeesh…
  • Play r You STILL haven't reached a conclusion? Clearly Dota is the right game for you.
  • Play r Look I don't mean to rush you, but I DO wish you'd go a hell of a lot faster than you're going.
  • Play r You need EXTRA time? You know what game you're playing, right? Dota?

Draft end

  • Play u Your ancient is under attack! [?]
  • Play u Your team is complete.
  • Play u Radiant's team is complete.
  • Play u Dire's team is complete.
  • Play Choose your hero.

35% chance

  • Play Alright, let's see what the damage is.
  • Play Well then, shall we pick some heroes?
  • Play Alright, let's begin the Dota!
  • Play It's time at last to select heroes.
  • Play How badly did they ruin your strategy?

5% chance

  • Play DO-TA! DO-TA! DO-TA!

Beginning battle

Entering battle

  • Play u Prepare for battle.
  • Play Prepare yourselves, we're nearly ready!
  • Play Oh goody, I'm so terribly excited!
  • Play Just a minute or so now until the game starts, patience.
  • Play Let's have a good clean match today.
  • Play Is everyone ready?
  • Play The stage is set, everyone prepared?
  • Play Another thrilling match awaits us.
  • Play Well let's get to it, shall we?
  • Play Another beautiful day in Dota-land. followup

25% chance

  • Play Good, we're nearly at the part where everything dies over and over.
  • Play Just so you know I'll be taking a shot every time you die, please try to keep me out of the hospital.
  • Play You have about a minute to enjoy not dying. Savor it.
  • Play The game's about to begin! Just try not to think of failure and all the ways you could lose and everything in yourself you feel weak and insecure about and you should be fine.
  • Play Okay! Time for me to learn the rules of Dota! I'll just be skimming this as you play.
  • Play GL, HF, L2P, VD, MP3, OBGYN, 3DPDB1D9G
  • Play Quickly! Purchase items! Consume material goods to sustain capitalism!
  • Play Now a quick reminder, the goal of this game is to win. You can…I mean do whatever you want with that information, just throwing it out there.
  • Play What do you think will happen this time? Murdering one another, probably. Unless….yeah, no I'm gonna go with constant murder.
  • Play Okay, time to forget the myriad external pressures and life stresses that have driven you to blot out the pain with video games, let's play some Dota!
  • Play Perhaps THIS battle will resolve the eternal conflict between good and evil.
  • Play DO-TA! DO-TA! DO-TA!

2% chance, for Radiant team

  • Play Okay see that big tree thing there? Well I guess that's significant, you want it to live or die or something. Look, I really don't know how this game works.

2% chance, for Dire team

  • Play Now if I'm reading this correctly, that big orange glowing thing is what you DON'T want to kill. Try doing that.

Time before battle
30 seconds

  • Play Thirty seconds to battle.
  • Play 30 seconds.
  • Play Thirty seconds to video games, thirty seconds!
  • Play 30 seconds until DIGITAL SPORTS!
  • Play One minute until thirty seconds after battle.

5% chance, players only

  • Play Just kind of a heads up here, everything you know and love will die one day.
  • Play Where do you think we go when we die?
  • Play Maybe THIS match will teach me how to love…
  • Play I'll never truly forget the pain.
  • Play Your ancient is being attacked! Sorry, *cough*, just warming up. I imagine I'll be using that line a lot.

10 seconds

  • Play Ten seconds to battle.
  • Play 10 seconds, everyone!
  • Play Here it comes….

15% chance

  • Play Last chance to quit the game and do something productive with your life.
  • Play All I'm saying is, diplomatic negotiations aren't off the table yet.

Battle begins

  • Play u The battle begins!
  • Play Begin the murder-fest!
  • Play Begin the DIGITAL SPORTS!
  • Play And so it begins. followup
  • Play Now murder each other for my amusement!!
  • Play Let this meditative reflection on the fleeting and fragile nature of life begin!
  • Play DEATH! DEATH! DEATH! DEATH! DEATH!
  • Play It's time for fantasy-world avatars to pretend to murder one another!
  • Play God I really hope this match ends up being of any cosmic significance.
  • Play aaaaaaand RESOLVE YOUR DIFFERENCES!

1% chance

  • Play MID! EVERYONE GO MID! EVERYONE!!

Kills

First Blood

  • Play First blood!
  • Play u More of it! More death!
  • Play The killing begins!
  • Play We have first blood!
  • Play And the blood spills.

Double Kill

  • Play Double kill!
  • Play A vicious double slaying.
  • Play Two innocent lives taken!
  • Play Two down.
  • Play A double slaughter.
  • Play Twice the murder!
  • Play Make that two.
  • Play Double kill.

Triple Kill

  • Play Triple kill!
  • Play And there's a third.
  • Play Three innocent lives taken!

Ultra Kill

  • Play Ultra kill!
  • Play And a fourth! GET THE LAST ONE!
  • Play Four innocent lives taken!

Rampage

  • Play Rampage!
  • Play Death to them all!
  • Play Five innocents, driven mercilessly into the ground!

Killing Spree

  • Play Killing spree.
  • Play More! More death!
  • Play Keep murdering!
  • Play Quite a spree.

Dominating

  • Play Dominating.
  • Play A dominant performance.

Mega Kill

  • Play Mega kill.
  • Play An acceptable amount of murder.

Unstoppable

  • Play Unstoppable.
  • Play Whole lotta murder going on here.

10% chance, players only, enemy spree

  • Play No really, you've got to stop this person.

Wicked Sick

  • Play Wicked sick.
  • Play A quantity of murder both sick and wicked.

Monster Kill

  • Play Monster kill.
  • Play Monsters, all of you.

10% chance, players only, enemy spree

  • Play You ARE still trying to stop the spree, yes?

Godlike

10% chance, players only, allied/own spree

  • Play You had better win after this.

Holy Shit

  • Play Holy shit!
  • Play Yes that's a whole lot of people dying.
  • Play Now this is disgusting.
  • Play We're now in the generic max-kill-spree dialogue!
  • Play It's a spree bigger than 9, that's all I know.
  • Play aaaaand we're in the rubbing-it-in phase.
  • Play Yes, still killing people. Still doing it.
  • Play I hope these skills transfer to the real world.
  • Play There's cheating going on here, I can smell it.
  • Play Skilled at Dota, the most desirable trait within the human species.
  • Play This is definitely not sociopathic behavior.
  • Play It's just an ego thing at this point, isn't it?
  • Play The slaughter continues!
  • Play When will it stop???
  • Play Will someone please stop this person? They're ruining the game!
  • Play Is the game still any fun?
  • Play Who will stand up to this monster?
  • Play What a lesson in accepting the inevitibility of death this person is teaching us.
  • Play It goes on….and on……and on….
  • Play Someone's been practicing.
  • Play How many kills is that now?
  • Play I think we can safely call this a spree.
  • Play Yep, still killing!
  • Play Stiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiill killing!
  • Play Murdering avatars in a fake sport!
  • Play Many of them! Many people have died!
  • Play I wonder if it feels good to pwn so hard?
  • Play A bunch! THAT'S how big the spree is!
  • Play Impressive.

15 kills streak

  • Play Tremendous! 15 kills! ….bet you can't get 20.

20 kills streak

  • Play Oho, 20 kills? Really though, I don't impress easily below 30.

30 kills streak

  • Play 30 kills already! Hey as long as we've come this far, why not take it to 50? See you in 20 more kills!

50 kills streak

  • Play Surely you saw this coming: 100 kills! Get to 100! DO IT!!

60 kills streak

  • Play Let's be honest, you've probably rigged the game to farm for dialogue from me. Are you proud of yourself for that?

70 kills streak

  • Play No really, it's a thing to be ashamed of.

72 kills streak

  • Play I'll let it continue, but I can't undo the shame you'll feel at having cheated.

85 kills streak

  • Play It must be awful having to hear the same stock dialogue over and over.

90 kills streak

  • Play Okay, I get it, the joke's over.

99 kills streak

  • Play 1 more to a hundred! If you mess this up now you'll really hate yourself!

100 kills streak

  • Play 100 kills!!! Congratulations, but remember that the real victory comes from within. Can't you feel it? Yes, you truly must be a happier person now.

102 kills streak

  • Play No? Still no internal validation? Well, I did all I can do. Better luck next time!

200 kills streak

  • Play It must be awful having to hear the same stock dialogue over and over.

Ownage
Your team

20% chance

  • Play 120 Apparently you're owning? That's just what I'm being told.
  • Play 120 It seems you are owning. What exactly you now own, I have no idea.
  • Play 120 You are owning or pwning or something.
  • Play 120 You are pwning. Is it…is it poaning? Pewning? Po- whatever.

Enemy team
5% chance

  • Play r Ownage.
  • Play r You are being owned.
  • Play r Oh dear, you are being owned.
  • Play r Hope you enjoy being owned.

For spectators

20% chance

  • Play 120 I am informed that ownage is under way.
  • Play 120 We have thus entered into a state of ownage.
  • Play 120 A condition for ownage has been met.
  • Play 120 Observe: one of the teams is owning at Dota.
  • Play 120 In concordance with the rules of Dota, ownage has been initiated.

Team Wipe
Your team
30% chance

  • Play Team wipeout!
  • Play Well, don't worry, there's always future games of dota.
  • Play As per your strategy, your entire team is dead.
  • Play Congratulations! Your entire team is dead!
  • Play You did it! Your entire team is dead!
  • Play I think we can all appreciate how impressive this other team is.
  • Play Incredible! Look how efficiently you all died!
  • Play Death to all of you as penance for your sins!

Enemy team
75% chance

  • Play Team wipeout!
  • Play They're all down! Now is your chance!
  • Play Nothing left to murder!
  • Play The enemy is no more.
  • Play Congratulations, you're making this game really unfun for the other team.
  • Play You know, it's possible that everyone on the other team is just new at Dota. Think of what an awful experience you're making this for them.
  • Play See NOW if you don't win I'm just going to be disappointed.

For spectators
75% chance

  • Play Team wipeout!
  • Play And that's the whole team! Goodnight everyone! DIGITAL SPORTS!

75% chance, Radiant team

  • Play The Radiant are entirely dead! All of them!
  • Play Death befalls Radiant's entire team.

75% chance, Dire team

  • Play The Dire have sadly all been slain.
  • Play All Dire heroes have fallen.

Team announcements

Your Radiant Dire Enemy
Courier
killed
  • Play Radiant's courier has been murdered.
  • Play r Ashamed of its past, and its horrific crimes, Radiant's courier has just thrown itself onto an enemy blade.
  • Play r Radiant's courier has discovered the entrance to courier heaven, where it will be judged for its crimes.
  • Play r A scourge upon the earth is no more. Radiant's courier has been killed.
  • Play r Every time Radiant's courier dies, a second courier in another game of Dota gains the strength of a hundred couriers and wins the game.
  • Play r Hopefully we've learned from Radiant's courier how not to welcome the dark tide of evil into your heart
  • Play r A courier from Radiant's army dies, and a piece of evil incarnate is lifted from the world
  • Play r We may forget Radiant's courier, but we'll never forgive it. Never.
  • Play r Radiant's courier died as it lived: filled inwardly with shame.
  • Play r Radiant's courier is dead, and before it ever learned to actually care for another living being.
  • Play r Thank god…Radiant's courier is gone…at last, peace may return to these lands.
  • Play r Another of Radiant's couriers dies with its essence marred in blackness.
  • Play r Until near its death, none of us suspected the repulsive hatred that lay buried in the heart of Radiant's courier.
  • Play Dire's courier has been murdered.
  • Play r In death, Dire's courier has really taught us more about life I think. I…yes, maybe that's true.
  • Play r Dire's courier, and its string of unforgivable moral crimes, has been laid to rest.
  • Play r At last, the beast is laid to rest. Dire's courier is dead. At last.
  • Play r Let us fondly remember Dire's courier, its noble deeds, and the unmistakable blackness deep in its heart.
  • Play r I guess Dire's courier will never answer for its awful crimes now that it's dead.
  • Play r Dire's courier is dead, but its crimes and transgressions linger on in memories
  • Play r We've lost Dire's courier, but we'll never forget the many people whose lives it brought to ruin.
  • Play r Was Dire's courier murdered, or did it take its own life in shame? We may never know.
  • Play r Let no more couriers die with the stench of evil on their souls, as Dire's has. Please, let this one be the last.
  • Play r The rein of terror is over. Dire's courier is dead.
  • Play r Let us not forget the mistakes Dire's courier made in allowing evil into its heart, let its death be a lesson to us all.
  • Play r The many innocent lives Dire's courier has taken may be atoned for now that it's dead.
Roshan
killed
  • Play r Roshan has fallen to the Radiant!
  • Play r Roshan and the Radiant have resolved their differences in a peaceful, diplomatic manner.
  • Play r Roshan and the Radiant have a lot to teach one another, about life, death, love, fear, and getting to come back immediately after you're murdered.
  • Play r Roshan and the Radiant are both about to find out what happens after you die.
  • Play r Goodbye Roshan, you majestic, fearless stallion you.
  • Play r A Haiku: Roshan's blood is spilled, The Radiant shed no tears, Farewell, sweet angel
  • Play r Roshan has fallen to the Dire!
  • Play r It seems that Roshan went and pissed off the Dire.
  • Play r The Dire have murdered Roshan purely for sport, it's not even about the Aegis.
  • Play r The Dire have rejected Roshan's petition to continue living peacefully.
  • Play r Roshan and the Dire are talking out their differences, really seeing the cracks and insecurities in their own perspectives.
  • Play r The Dire have laid Roshan to eternal slumber. For 8 to 11 minutes.
Structure
under attack

Top tower

  • Play 7 Your top tower is under attack.
  • Play 7 Top tower under siege.

25% chance

  • Play 60 If enemies attacking your top tower is what you desire, please take no action.
  • Play 60 Well my goodness, your top tower is being attacked!
  • Play 60 If I'd like to not lose my top tower is a thought you've ever had, I suggest you get over there right away
  • Play 60 No one go defend top tower. It needs to learn to defend itself.

Middle tower

  • Play 7 Your middle tower is under attack.
  • Play 7 Mid tower taking damage.

25% chance

  • Play 60 Enemies are ravaging your middle tower and it is a BEAUTIFUL day!
  • Play 60 Oh how wonderful! Your middle tower is being torn to pieces!
  • Play 60 One's middle tower being attacked truly does send such a rapturous flowing through one's veins.
  • Play 60 Congratulations! Your middle tower is being attacked!

Bottom tower

  • Play 7 Your bottom tower is under attack.
  • Play 7 Bottom tower, being attacked.

25% chance

  • Play 60 Suppose we defend that bottom tower, hm? Yes? Yes?
  • Play 60 You DO know your bottom tower is being attacked, right?
  • Play 60 Your bottom tower is learning to accept its own inevitable death.
  • Play 60 I'm not your bottom tower, but if I were I'd be in a lot of pain right now.

Top barracks

  • Play 10 Your top barracks are under attack.
  • Play 10 Your top barracks are being fired upon.

20% chance

  • Play 10 If your top barracks are of value to you I suggest you get over there.

Middle barracks

  • Play 10 Your middle barracks are under attack.
  • Play 10 Your middle barracks are taking enemy fire!

1% chance

  • Play 10 YOUR MIDDLE BARRACKS ARE BEING ATTACKED! OH NOOOO!

Bottom barracks

  • Play 10 Your bottom barracks are under attack.
  • Play 10 Enemy fire upon your bottom barracks!

20% chance

  • Play 10 Look at your bottom barracks! Look how under attack they are!

The Ancient

  • Play 6 Your ancient is under attack.
  • Play 6 Bad news for your ancient right now.
  • Play 6 Your ancient is under siege.
  • Play 6 Your ancient is taking damage!!
  • Play 6 Uh oh, your ancient is in trouble.

30% chance

  • Play r Food for thought: DON'T let them attack your ancient? I'm just spitballing here, I've literally never played this game.
  • Play r So if you DON'T want to lose I'd advise you to defend your ancient.
  • Play r The enemy is negotiating with your ancient.
  • Play r This is the story of your ancient being torn to pieces right this very moment.
  • Play r Your ancient is being attacked, but no worries! Take your time!
  • Play r I don't say this to alarm you, but you're about to lose the game
  • Play r Did I ever tell you about the time your ancient was under attack? Probably not because it's happening literally as I say this.
  • Play r This is me lying to you: Your ancient is not under attack.
  • Play r No no, you - okay look, letting your ancient be attacked by the enemy is NOT what you're supposed to do. Have you ever played this game?
  • Play r I like your re-interpretation of the rules of Dota, DON'T stop them from attacking your ancient! It's fresh, inspired, breathes new life into the game.
  • Play r Quickly, while they're all destroying your ancient, run over to their base and destroy THEIR ancient!

1% chance, team Radiant

  • Play r Your ancient is under attack. You might say it's in a…DIRE situation!

Top tower

  • Play 10 Radiant's top tower is being attacked.
  • Play 10 Radiant's top tower under siege.

Middle tower

  • Play 10 Radiant's middle tower is being attacked.
  • Play 10 Radiant's middle tower taking damage.

Bottom tower

  • Play 10 Radiant's bottom tower is being attacked.
  • Play 10 Radiant's bottom tower under fire.

Top barracks

  • Play 10 Radiant's top barracks are under attack.

Middle barracks

  • Play 10 Radiant's middle barracks are under attack.

Bottom barracks

  • Play 10 Radiant's bottom barracks are under attack.

The Ancient

  • Play 8 Radiant's ancient is under attack.
  • Play 8 Radiant's ancient taking enemy fire.

20% chance

  • Play r Dire is objecting to the existence of Radiant's ancient.
  • Play r Oh look, down there at the bottom left, Dire is beating Radiant's ancient to a pulp! How exciting!
  • Play r Dire may now present their case for the destruction of Radiant's ancient.
  • Play r Dire is searching deep within themselves to find the strength to obliterate Radiant's Ancient.

Top tower

  • Play 10 Dire's top tower is being attacked.
  • Play 10 Dire's top tower is under siege.

Middle tower

  • Play 10 Dire's middle tower is being attacked.
  • Play 10 Dire's middle tower taking damage.

Bottom tower

  • Play 10 Dire's bottom tower is being attacked.
  • Play 10 Dire's bottom tower under fire.

Top barracks

  • Play 10 Dire's top barracks are under attack.

Middle barracks

  • Play 10 Dire's middle barracks are under attack.

Bottom barracks

  • Play 10 Dire's bottom barracks are under attack.

The Ancient

  • Play 8 Dire's ancient is under attack.
  • Play 8 Dire's ancient is taking damage.

20% chance

  • Play r Radiant is expressing its disapproval at the continued existence of Dire's ancient.
  • Play r Astounding! In a bold move, Dire is allowing Radiant to destroy their ancient. Let's see if it pays off for them.
  • Play r Dire has forgotten how to play Dota and is letting their ancient be destroyed.
  • Play r Radiant is working through its issues with Dire's ancient.
Structure
fallen

Top tower

  • Play Your top tower has been destroyed.
  • Play Your top tower has fallen.

35% chance

  • Play r What a pity, you've lost your top tower.
  • Play r I hope having a top tower was not a part of your strategy.
  • Play r See how your top tower is still on the map? Me neither.
  • Play r Delightful! Your top tower - oh no wait, your top tower has fallen. My mistake.

Middle tower

  • Play Your middle tower has been destroyed.
  • Play Your middle tower has been eliminated.

35% chance

  • Play r Your middle tower is - oh dear - it's just been completely destroyed.
  • Play r Oh dear, that's one less middle tower for you.
  • Play r That middle tower your used to have, wasn't it lovely back when you still had it?
  • Play r Your middle tower being destroyed is part of your strategy, right? Yes that's how I'm going to interpret it.

Bottom tower

  • Play Your bottom tower has been destroyed.
  • Play Your bottom tower is in ruins.

35% chance

  • Play r The burden of having a bottom tower has been lifted! Freedom at last!
  • Play r If you have any last words for your bottom tower, well it's already too late.
  • Play r Your bottom tower is under at-- no wait, it's dead.
  • Play r aaaaaand your bottom tower is gone! Completely gone! Finit!

1% chance

  • Play r Your bottom tower has tripped and fallen, spiraling, tumbling endlessly into the whirring and infinite abyss.

Top barracks

  • Play 10 Your top barracks has fallen.
  • Play 10 And thus your top barracks did fall.

35% chance

  • Play r I hope your top barracks was a nuisance to you, because if so I've got great news!
  • Play r Where did your top barracks go? It was here just a moment ago…

Middle barracks

  • Play 10 Your middle barracks has fallen.
  • Play 10 Your middle barracks is in ruins.

35% chance

  • Play r Your middle barracks! Just look at how not-there-anymore it is!
  • Play r The middle barracks is the left kidney of Dota, no one really needs it.

Bottom barracks

  • Play 10 The bottom barracks has fallen.
  • Play 10 Your bottom barracks is no more.

35% chance

  • Play r Your bottom barracks have a bad case of being torn completely to shreds.
  • Play r Without your bottom barracks the map really is much cleaner!

Top tower

  • Play Radiant's top tower has fallen.
  • Play Radiant has lost their top tower.

Middle tower

  • Play Radiant's middle tower has fallen
  • Play No more middle tower for Radiant.

Bottom tower

  • Play Radiant's bottom tower has fallen.
  • Play Radiant's bottom tower is demolished.

Top barracks

  • Play Radiant's top barracks has fallen.

Middle barracks

  • Play Radiant's middle barracks has fallen.

Bottom barracks

  • Play Radiant's bottom barracks has fallen.

Top tower

  • Play Dire's top tower has fallen.
  • Play Dire's top tower is destroyed.

Middle tower

  • Play Dire's middle tower has fallen.
  • Play Dire's middle tower is now but a memory.

Bottom tower

  • Play Dire's bottom tower has fallen.
  • Play Dire's bottom tower is in pieces.

Top barracks

  • Play Dire's top barracks has fallen.

Middle barracks

  • Play Dire's middle barracks has fallen.

Bottom barracks

  • Play Dire's bottom barracks has fallen.

Top tower

  • Play The enemy's top tower has fallen.
  • Play Enemy's top tower destroyed.

40% chance

  • Play r The enemy's top tower just screamed and exploded for no discernible reason.
  • Play r Enemy's top tower destroyed THAT will teach them to defend themselves from an enemy force attempting to obliterate their homes.
  • Play r We've just replaced the enemy's top tower with a demolished version of it, let's see if they notice.

Middle tower

  • Play The enemy's middle tower has fallen.
  • Play Enemy's middle tower demolished.

40% chance

  • Play r How exciting, their middle tower is destroyed!
  • Play r You've destroyed their middle tower! You win the game!!
  • Play r You've destroyed their middle tower, I wonder if they'll mind.

Bottom tower

  • Play The enemy's bottom tower has fallen.
  • Play Enemy's bottom tower has fallen.

40% chance

  • Play r Well that's one tower they won't be taking home.
  • Play r You've done it! You've destroyed their bottom tower!
  • Play r You've accidentally destroyed the enemy's bottom tower.

Top barracks

  • Play 10 The enemy's top barracks has fallen.
  • Play 10 Enemy's top barracks destroyed.

35% chance

  • Play r No more top barracks for them!
  • Play r Enemy's top barracks destroyed, you're really winning a video game here!

Middle barracks

  • Play 10 The enemy's middle barracks has fallen.
  • Play 10 Enemy's middle barracks in ruins.

35% chance

  • Play r Unfortunately the enemy's mid barracks has fallen.

1% chance

  • Play r Someone is winning or losing or whatever. Look, I'm not really paying attention here.

Bottom barracks

  • Play 10 The enemy's bottom barracks has fallen.
  • Play 10 Enemy's bottom barracks demolished.

35% chance

  • Play r Goodbye, bottom enemy barracks!!
  • Play r Remember enemy's bottom barracks? Remember destroying it just now? What wonderful memories….
Structure
denied

Top tower

  • Play Your top tower has been denied.
  • Play You've mistaken your own top tower for an enemy tower.
  • Play Look at you, stealing that tower kill, you sneaky thing!

Middle tower

  • Play Your middle tower has been denied.
  • Play Take that, middle tower! That's what you get for trusting us!
  • Play I'm inspired by your lack of empathy for your own towers, inspired to destroy the loved ones in my OWN life.

Bottom tower

  • Play Your bottom tower has been denied.
  • Play You've just murdered your own tower, you cold unfeeling brute.
  • Play Well now I see how much YOUR OWN TOWERS mean to you.

Top tower

Middle tower

Bottom tower

Top tower

Middle tower

Bottom tower

Top tower

  • Play The enemy has denied you their top tower. followup
  • Play They've swept their top tower right from under you!
  • Play I guess they didn't want you to take their top tower.

Middle tower

  • Play The enemy has denied you their middle tower. followup
  • Play The enemy has gone about senselessly destroying their own middle tower.
  • Play Bad news if you wanted to be the one to destroy their middle tower…

Bottom tower

  • Play The enemy has denied you their bottom tower. followup
  • Play Well it looks like there'll be no bottom tower kill for you!
  • Play No need to kill their bottom tower, they've done it for you.
Structures
fortified

10% chance, player on either team

  • Play r Your towers are nice and fortified!
  • Play r Nicely fortified towers you've got there!

10% chance, player on Radiant team

  • Play Radiant's structures are fortified.

10% chance, player on Dire team

  • Play Dire's structures are fortified.
  • Play Radiant have fortified their towers.
  • Play Radiant's structures are fortified.

25% chance

  • Play r Radiant's towers are fortified, do as you please with that information.
  • Play r Radiant having unfortified structures is now a thing of the past.
  • Play r Radiant sure are loving those invulnerable towers.
  • Play Dire's structures are fortified.
  • Play Dire have fortified their towers.

25% chance

  • Play r Dire have duct taped cardboard all over their structures.
  • Play r Look at how invulnerable Dire's towers are!
  • Play r Maybe no one attack Dire's towers for a few seconds here.

10% chance, player on either team

  • Play r Enemy towers are now invulnerable!
  • Play r Enemy towers are invulnerable for the next few seconds.

10% chance, player on Radiant team

  • Play Dire's structures are fortified.

10% chance, player on Dire team

  • Play Radiant's structures are fortified.
Megacreeps
  • Play You now have megacreeps.
  • Play You have earned megacreeps.

20% chance

  • Play The satanic pact is complete. You now have mega-creeps.
  • Play The mega-creeps accept your blood sacrifice and now fight at your side.
  • Play The mega-creeps relate to your deeply sinful nature and will fight at your side.
  • Play The mega-creeps approve of your dark sins and have decided to fight for you.
  • Play The mega-creeps see a bit of themselves in you. They have become allies.
  • Play The Radiant now have megacreeps.
  • Play The Radiant have earned megacreeps.
  • Play Just to mix things up a bit, let's give mega-creeps to Radiant.
  • Play The Dire now have megacreeps.
  • Play The Dire have earned megacreeps.
  • Play The Dire have sacrificed one hundred virgins and have thus earned mega-creeps.
  • Play The enemy now has megacreeps.
  • Play Incoming enemy megacreeps.

20% chance

  • Play To help you out, I'll be giving the enemy megacreeps! ….wait, is that right? Did I - just a second, I need to look over this strategy guide again.
  • Play You MAY begin to notice a slight increase in the rate at which you are being attacked by megacreeps.
  • Play I've gotten you what you've always wanted! More enemy mega-creeps!
  • Play If you've ever felt that you weren't fighting enough megacreeps, well I've got some good news for you!
Victory
  • Play YES! You've achieved a sense of self-worth as a person! Never again will you seek validation from others! What a joyous, joyous day!
  • Play You did it! Now take these skills that you've learned and honed, and go apply them in the real world!
  • Play YOU WON!!! YEEEEEEEESS!!!! WOOO HOOO!!!!

Radiant team

50% chance, Radiant team

  • Play Praise the Radiant and their knowledge of meta-systems to manipulate the flow of battle! followup
  • Play The Radiant beat the Dire at Dota, but does that make them the REAL winners? Think about it. followup

Dire team

50% chance, Dire team

  • Play The Dire understand Dota better than the Radiant do! followup
  • Play The Dire win! Truly, truly today we have video games'd. followup
  • Play Today Dire were more video games than Radiant. followup

50% chance

  • Play Praise the Radiant and their knowledge of meta-systems to manipulate the flow of battle!
  • Play u Okay let me say that I have no earthly idea what's been going on here. I…I think Radiant won? Seriously, correct me if I'm misreading this.
  • Play The Radiant beat the Dire at Dota, but does that make them the REAL winners? Think about it.

50% chance

  • Play The Dire understand Dota better than the Radiant do!
  • Play The Dire win! Truly, truly today we have video games'd.
  • Play Today Dire were more video games than Radiant.
  • Play An incredible strategy! With no Ancient for them to defeat, they can no longer win! Victory is assured!
  • Play We've nearly got them, push! They're down to their last legs! Everyone push!
  • Play Well, you lost. You should know that I'm not angry, I'm just disappointed at how furious I am at you for losing.

Radiant team

50% chance, Radiant team

  • Play The Dire understand Dota better than the Radiant do! followup
  • Play The Dire win! Truly, truly today we have video games'd. followup
  • Play Today Dire were more video games than Radiant. followup

Dire team

  • Play Radiant victory!

50% chance, Dire team

  • Play Praise the Radiant and their knowledge of meta-systems to manipulate the flow of battle! followup
  • Play The Radiant beat the Dire at Dota, but does that make them the REAL winners? Think about it. followup

Respawning

5% chance

  • Play r Do it again! Exactly like you did the last time!
  • Play r Respawned again. Does it ever bother you that you'll never know the sweet release of lasting death? Bothers ME all the time.
  • Play r Oh look! It's alternate you who stopped playing Dota and went outside! Just look how fit and attractive you are!
  • Play r SEND IN THE NEXT CLONE.
  • Play r Okay this time just do everything exactly the opposite of what you did before.
  • Play r Can anyone TRULY die? In real life, I mean. I - wait, okay, yes, I've answered my own question.
  • Play r What is it all for? Dying, resurrecting, dying again, resurrecting again…….why??? followup
  • Play r WELCOME BACK TO DOTAAAAA!
  • Play r Okay this time, let me offer a new piece of strategy: followup

Lane missing

  • Play u You DO know there's no one on top lane, right?
  • Play u Top is missing.
  • Play u Wait, where did everyone in the middle go?
  • Play u Middle is missing.
  • Play u Oh look at that, no heroes on bottom.
  • Play u Bottom is missing.
  • Play u I think.
  • Play u If they gank, don't say I didn't warn you.
  • Play u I don't know what that means, I'm just reading it off a script here.

Periods with no action

15% chance, mid game and onward

  • Play r Incredible, you've managed to make the most intricate video game on the planet boring. Where do you keep getting it?
  • Play r Can we PLEASE bring a little excitement back to the game? How about one of you kill your own courier, yes that would really spice things up!
  • Play r Do you know how many hundreds of thousands of millions of hours Valve put into developing this game? Any clue? I ask because right now you're making it look like Snakes and Ladders.
  • Play r I think what we need right now is a bit of music to bring back the mood.
  • Play r Ladies and gentlemen, DIGITAL SPORTS!
  • Play r Look at the radical twists and turns this game is taking, you can just FEEL the video games, can't you? I know I can.
  • Play r When nothing of any interest had happened for a good long time, Stanley decided perhaps this match was going nowhere, and he went to spectate something else.
  • Play r The next time someone claims video games are not art, I'm going to show them a replay of this match.
  • Play r Why don't we spice this match up with a fact about shrimp: followup

Disconnecting/reconnecting

Disconnecting
25% chance

  • Play u A player has disconnected.
  • Play One of us has become too intimidated by the sheer power of electronic sports to continue playing
  • Play One of you has figured out that there are actually things in this world other than Dota.
  • Play Fine. Leave. See if I care.
  • Play Someone left? But they're going to miss the DIGITAL SPORTS.

Reconnecting
50% chance

  • Play u A player has reconnected.
  • Play Oh, they're back!
  • Play Well look who's come crawling back.
  • Play Oh they're just toying with us now.
  • Play Now all of a sudden you want back in? For goodness sake, make up your mind.
  • Play Ha! I knew they couldn't stay away.

Quitting game
75% chance

  • Play I'd give up too if I were asked to make so many decisions.
  • Play Ah, you're giving up Dota! A wise decision! Go, and live a healthy normal life!
  • Play Congratulations on your decision to do things other than Dota, I think you'll find it a wise long-term investment.
  • Play They say that the real victory is NOT playing Dota, which makes you a winner!
  • Play If you come back, tell me what it's like on the outside.
  • Play Freedom…
  • Play Push escape and press quit, there's no other way to beat this game! [?]

Unpausing

75% chance

  • Play Okay back to killing each other!
  • Play Okay back to video games!
  • Play Once again: video games!
  • Play Once again: DIGITAL SPORTS!
  • Play Okay we're unpaused! GO! GO! GO! KILL! KILL! KILL! KILL! KILL! KILL! KILL! KILL!
  • Play Where were we? Radiant was pushing, or was it…? Okay never mind, everyone just go bottom!
  • Play When last we left our heroes…
  • Play Back to the indecipherable gibberish!

Purchasing specific items

15% chance

  • Play Desolator (3500) r Ah the Desolator… The poor man's Divine Rapier…
  • Play Hood of Defiance (1725) r Ah the Hood of Defiance… The poor man's Divine Rapier…
  • Play Urn of Shadows (875) r Ah the Urn of Shadows… The poor man's Divine Rapier…
  • Play Divine Rapier (6200) r Well done! Well done!

10% chance

  • Play Sentry Ward (200) r Congratulations on your new sentry ward! Best of luck on a lifetime of never receiving any substantial recognition for your work!
  • Play Sentry Ward (200) r Look at you, sucking it up and buying the sentry ward. Surely your team will recognize you for your sacrifices.
  • Play Sentry Ward (200) r Buying a sentry ward makes you the least powerful hero in the game, but it makes you the most powerful in my heart.
  • Play Ring of Aquila (985) r Ah the Ring of Aquila… The poor man's Divine Rapier…
  • Play Slippers of Agility (150) r Ah the Slipper of Agility… The poor man's Divine Rapier…
  • Play Smoke of Deceit (50) r People actually buy smokes? Really???

5% chance

  • Play Animal Courier (100) r Maybe…maybe this time things will be different…
  • Play Animal Courier (100) r Go, donkey child. Let not the tides of evil into your heart.
  • Play Animal Courier (100) r This courier's soul…so immaculate, so pure…
  • Play Tango (125) r Ah the Tango… The poor man's Divine Rapier…
  • Play Clarity (50) r Interestingly, THIS clarity will actually deplete your mana.

3% chance

  • Play r Consume! Consume! Consume!
  • Play r Quickly! Overanalyze whether or not it was the correct purchase! Choke on your own bitter regret!
  • Play r People still buy this item? Why don't you pay attention to the meta-game??
  • Play r No matter who wins this match, the capitalist pigs are the real winners.
  • Play r Isn't it nice knowing that material consumption brings lasting happiness?

Followups

Welcome
All Pick

  • Play Today we'll be playing All Pick.

Least Played

  • Play There's a reason no one plays this mode, and you're about to find out.
  • Play Choose wisely.
  • Play Least Played.

Limited Heroes

  • Play Limited Heroes.
  • Play Choose wisely.

Mid Only

  • Play Today we'll be playing Mid Only.

Helping them strategize
20% chance

  • Play [muffled, distant speech, as though explaining an elaborate strategy]

Passage from the story

  • Play Twas burning flesh and the twinkling of dashed hopes round her neck, a gift for the heavens, taken untimely from the feet of its mortal bearers. They were not to know her true blessings, blind to their own skin. If there was ever a moment when the truth was made known, it was not one recognized by eyes, but by a more intangible spirit whose true name conflicted with that of the vessel that carried it.
  • Play Bread, she screamed, bread everywhere!! Bread upon bread, within bread, a new civilization built upon a foundation of bread, lovers, masters, givers, workers, the failings and crimes and hubris of humanity. When will it be enough, the populace demanded! But still she decreed: More bread!
  • Play Little dogs and little frogs make tiny homes in little logs / Tens of tens of miles away, evil forces gather sway / Battleground of mortal toil, twixt this hell and earthly soil / Flaming teeth and flaming swords, when little dogs fought demon hordes.
  • Play Eat faster. Eat harder. Eat higher. Eat louder. Every day for day upon day upon day they ate faster harder higher louder. None would best them, none would out-eat them, no fantasies of grandeur clouded their resolve. They would be eating champions, gods amongst mortals, unbested in competition, a new sun rises upon their immaculate consumption empire. They took third.

Random number to think about

  • Play Twelve.
  • Play Nineteen
  • Play A hundred and eighty billion.
  • Play Five hundred and fifty five million, five hundred and fifty five thousand, five hundred and fifty one.
  • Play Negative eight.

Beautiful day in Dota-land
20% chance

  • Play Let's destroy it.

Battle begins

  • Play The match has begun! Go forth, and prove that video games are art!
  • Play Remember that we at Dota HQ recommend regular breaks to stretch and move around a bit every 10 minutes or so during play.
  • Play Let's play, everyone. Let's all play.
  • Play Okay, so let me impart a bit of wisdom: Don't die. Just do that, keep doing that, over and over and over until the match is finished.
  • Play And so they rushed eagerly to battle. But all was not what it seemed….
  • Play And yet even as the match began, the end was so much closer than anyone knew…
  • Play Why are we here? What is any of this for? These are the questions no one was asking.

5% chance, players only

  • Play I respect you all regardless of the outcome. But I can't love you. Not after last time…

5% chance, spectators only

  • Play What none of the players know is that winning will not confer any true meaning or deeper sense of validation upon them as individuals. Let's observe.

Tower gets denied

50% chance, spectators only

What is it all for?
5% chance

  • Play r Oh wait, yes, I'm sorry, you're trying to kill their ancient. Okay, got it, as you were!

Useful respawn advices

  • Play More couriers. Buy more couriers.
  • Play Top lane, only go top lane.
  • Play Jungle. Just jungle, nothing else, only jungle.
  • Play Buy wards. Buy lots of them, fill your inventory.
  • Play Kill your courier. Buy another one. Kill that one too.
  • Play Sell all your equipment. Hardcore mode.
  • Play Feed. Just, constant feeding.
  • Play Win.
  • Play Go outside.
  • Play Stop everything, just take a minute here to reflect. Yes, a good bit of soul searching is what this team needs.
  • Play Kill Roshan by yourself. DO IT! DO IT DO IT DO IT DO IT!
  • Play Attack your own ancient. Enemies perceive that your team has fallen apart and they become complacent. Allies swoop in while they're vulnerable. VICTORY!!
  • Play Stop using mana, you died the last time you tried using mana.
  • Play Go on a friend's account and purchase the Stanley Parable Dota pack a second time.

Shrimp facts

  • Play Did you know the female shrimp can lay up to a hundred million eggs at once? Wow, that's….that number seems a bit high, actually.
  • Play Did you know that average shrimp lifespan is between 12 and 16 minutes? Wow, I sure know a lot more about shrimp than I did before this match!
  • Play Did you know that shrimp subclass Branchiopoda, order Anostraca are on average 3 inches smaller than the more common branchiopods Notostraca, Diplostraca and Mysidacea? …..okay!
  • Play Did you know that the first shrimp was discovered in 1967 by a group of Finnish sailors? I didn't either, facts can really be surprising!
  • Play Did you know that shrimp are healthy source of protein and selenium? I did, and I use this information on a regular basis!

Victory
You win
30% chance

  • Play Wait, you WON?? I really should have written some victory conditions, let me see….ah! Here's one! *ahem* Good.
  • Play Aha! I knew that you could win! Like, it was physically possible as an outcome of the match. TOTALLY didn't think it would happen though.
  • Play You feel that? What you're feeling right now? True happiness! I know, I can't believe it comes from winning Dota either, but there you have it!
  • Play Ah, you've won! As per our prior agreement, I absolve you of all your sins against humanity and decency. Come back if you need another!
  • Play You've won Dota 2! Please join us for Dota 3: The Threequel: Sequel to Dota 2: The Return of Dota!
  • Play You did it! But I think the real winner today is DIGITAL SPORTS!
  • Play Either the Dire or the Radiant win! It was either a compelling match or a boring match, or somewhere in the middle! DIGITAL SPORTS!!
  • Play And there you have it ladies and gentlemen, DIGITAL SPORTS!!
  • Play And there you have it! Well I'd say we all learned absolutely nothing about ourselves as people today. But we learned even less about each other. And in the end, that's the only true meaning of Christmas.
  • Play And that was Dota! Why don't we round things out today with a nice long beep. BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP
  • Play Well, it seems we've come to the end. But as they say in Dota, the end is never the end is never the end is - STATIC

30% chance, Radiant team

  • Play Well you just spent a bunch of time watching tree people kill a glowing rock. I hope this experience enriches and enlightens the rest of your day.

30% chance, Dire team

  • Play Well you just watched a bunch of monsters knock down a tree. I hope this information is of any compelling significance to you AFTER you get up from the computer.

Spectators
50% chance

  • Play Either the Dire or the Radiant win! It was either a compelling match or a boring match, or somewhere in the middle! DIGITAL SPORTS!!
  • Play And there you have it ladies and gentlemen, DIGITAL SPORTS!!
  • Play And there you have it! Well I'd say we all learned absolutely nothing about ourselves as people today. But we learned even less about each other. And in the end, that's the only true meaning of Christmas.
  • Play And that was Dota! Why don't we round things out today with a nice long beep. BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP
  • Play Well, it seems we've come to the end. But as they say in Dota, the end is never the end is never the end is - STATIC

50% chance, Radiant wins

  • Play Well you just spent a bunch of time watching tree people kill a glowing rock. I hope this experience enriches and enlightens the rest of your day.

50% chance, Dire wins

  • Play Well you just watched a bunch of monsters knock down a tree. I hope this information is of any compelling significance to you AFTER you get up from the computer.

You lose
25% chance

  • Play I don't blame you for losing, I blame all the choices you made and the things you did.
  • Play Remember how I said you were a winner in my heart no matter what the outcome of battle? Exactly, I didn't.
  • Play Now now, there are other things in life than Dota. Like a personality! Yes, you could go and develop a personality! That'll show 'em!
  • Play Wow, what a truly compelling match! Let's listen back on a few of the more memorable moments. Your ancient is under attack. Your ancient is under attack. Your ancient is under attack. Your ancient is under attack.
  • Play Either the Dire or the Radiant win! It was either a compelling match or a boring match, or somewhere in the middle! DIGITAL SPORTS!!
  • Play And there you have it ladies and gentlemen, DIGITAL SPORTS!!
  • Play And there you have it! Well I'd say we all learned absolutely nothing about ourselves as people today. But we learned even less about each other. And in the end, that's the only true meaning of Christmas.
  • Play And that was Dota! Why don't we round things out today with a nice long beep. BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP
  • Play Well, it seems we've come to the end. But as they say in Dota, the end is never the end is never the end is - STATIC

25% chance, Radiant team

  • Play Well you just watched a bunch of monsters knock down a tree. I hope this information is of any compelling significance to you AFTER you get up from the computer.

25% chance, Dire team

  • Play Well, congratulations on not being able to knock down their tree. Literally, their ancient is a tree and yours is the protrusion of unholy evil and you STILL - okay forget it, whatever. Dota.
  • Play Well you just spent a bunch of time watching tree people kill a glowing rock. I hope this experience enriches and enlightens the rest of your day.